Encouraging dd to work.

amother

Brunette

Tue, May 07 2024, 5:12 pm

I see where these entitled, self centered young adults are produced! I think op says that is bc it's common knowledge that chesed is a religious value. Chesed is uncomfortable much of the time. Many psychologists and pediatricians suggest giving teens responsibility in order to curb our depression and anxiety epidemic. But you do you. I've never seen such outcries of injustice as I do every time something is expected of someone's kids. What a sad state of things. My Catholic relatives are more giving and Gd fearing

amother

Apple

Tue, May 07 2024, 7:07 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

I'm sorry but I disagree quite strongly. I think what op is suggesting goes above and beyond what you can expect of a teenager, or even most adults. And this is similar to people who have chumras and try and impose it on everyone around them. The fact OP is talking about 'this is what Hashem wants of her' is quite concerning. That is not sounding like a healthy relationship, or a way to a healthy relationship with religion. I'm also not a big fan of volunteering your child unless you know they are okay with it.
I personally find hosting people difficult. But I'm happy to cook/bake. My sil is the opposite, so she's more likely to host someone, while I'm more likely to send someone a meal. The beauty of our nation is that we're all different and we all have different strengths and abilities, and that should be celebrated. I will do more of the chessed I do and other people will do the chessed that works for them. The same way some people might look at being a doctor as a worthy profession. If all the world were doctors, it wouldn't run very well as we need more than just doctors, we need dentists, teachers, shops etc etc.

amother

Rose

Tue, May 07 2024, 7:11 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

Ok so you go do a job you don’t want too when you have the option not too and get back to us. Why should I this young girl be forced to do another familys cooking? I understand getting a job or a chesed but why can’t it be something SHE wants not something her mother volunteered her.

amother

Ruby

Tue, May 07 2024, 7:12 pm

amother OP wrote:

There is a friend of mine who really needs my teenage dd to help her at home with light cooking and the kids maybe once a week. My dd doesn't want to. She doesn't listen to me and does whatever she wants. How do I explain to her that this is something Hashem wants from her. I'm afraid my dd will threaten to run away if I make any demands on her.

Actually OP, I get why your dd would want to run away from a mom who pretends to know exactly what Hashem wants from her and oddly enough, it's exactly what Mom wants from her too! Ain't that interesting!

amother

NeonPink

Tue, May 07 2024, 7:12 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

Nothing about your post, makes sense in the situation OP is describing. There is so much wrong with OP's situation, I hope you don't think it's the right way to raise kids.

LittleDucky

Tue, May 07 2024, 7:44 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

Chessed may be a frum Torah value. But it isn't one that should be forced. There are hundreds of ways to do it and this may not be the way her daughter wants to or feels capable doing. Everyone has their own talents.
Being forced to do something against their will is not the way to teach or encourage anyone.
I encourage my kids to help out. We talk about the importance of helping, chessed, being kind, how it makes the world a better place, a big mitzvah etc. (Not at the same time but as it comes up I may talk about 1-2 ideas).
I don't force them. One kid likes to mop at home but hates to match socks. Or one loves to watch a sibling but hates to take out trash. Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. I ask for help, I praise those who do. I try to find jobs that fit skills and preferences. There is a reason I chose the career I did...
It would be torture if I had to do some jobs my friends have. And they can't imagine doing mine.

If this were my kid, I would ask. I would hear them out. Maybe I could make it easier (I drive them both ways, take away a chore to help them do this). Or maybe they just don't have to do it.
My friend may need help but it doesn't have to be that one kid who does the helping.

amother

Burntblack

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:14 pm

It’s okay OP, everybody makes mistakes
You should go to your daughter and give her a big hug, tell her you love her and you’re sorry for volunteering her without asking her first. Then let her know she absolutely does not need to do this unless she wants to, which is fine
If she wants to, then tell her what a big mitzvah she gets and ur so proud.
But forcing things usually backfires

amother

Crocus

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:17 pm

Please, Don't do this to your dd. My mother did this to me multiple times. It caused a lot of resentment and bitter feelings. It also made me hate doing chessed. I really feel it's not worth it in the long run.
Of course doing chessed should be encouraged and modeled. Forcing it will never give a teen an appreciation for chessed.

amother

Lemon

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:18 pm

amother Brunette wrote:

People can do chesed in different ways

Growing up I hated dealing with other people’s kids. I bH love my own kids but I don’t love dealing with other people’s kids. I do other types of chesed- lending out things in a gemach, fundraising, cooking for Bikur Cholim, etc

amother

Bergamot

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:32 pm

amother Jade wrote:

OP, that's lovely that you want to help your friend, and that you want to educate your daughter to help others.

Can I suggest a different way to go about it that has greater chance of success?

You mentioned that your friend needs light cooking and childcare a few days a week. Why don't you send over meals, and have her kids over at your house every afternoon to give her a break?

This way your friend gets the help she needs, and your daughter receives the best possible education in chesed: Seeing her mother do so practically. She many not emulate you instantly, but over time she is likely to want to do good things just like you.

Best answer ever. You nailed it, jade!

LovesHashem

Wed, May 08 2024, 2:48 am

amother Brunette wrote:

Maybe depression and anxiety come from parents ignoring a kids wants, needs, desires, and thinking they can interpret Hashem's will for them.

chanatron1000

Wed, May 08 2024, 3:20 am

amother Brunette wrote:

Chesed is a beautiful thing to choose to do, but it's not supposed to be forced. Just like how giving your hard earned money as tzedakah is a real mitzvah, but giving someone else's hard earned money is theft. Kids are people. If we want to teach them to give, we have to allow them to make the choice to give. Forcing causes resentment, and if anything, they'll never want to give again.

There are plenty of other ways to give teens responsibility. Usually privilege and responsibility come together, and their responsibility is to themselves or the family. Examples: If they want to bake cookies, they have to clean the kitchen before and after. Or (for older teens) if they want to use the car, they have to pay for gas with money they earned and return the car with the same amount that was in it before. Or they have to do chores to get an allowance, etc. Not "I know someone who needs help and Hashem wants you to be the one to help them, and you have no choice in the matter."

amother

Wed, May 08 2024, 11:16 pm

This is op here. I just read the responses. Thank you all for your honesty and guidance. I will definitely not ask my dd. I hadn't yet asked her. I think I need to have more compassion on her. She asks me a lot to give her space. I learned a lot here. With Hashem's help I will think of her needs as a growing girl and respect her decisions. I am very controlling. It's hard for me to respect everything she decides. Thank you mothers here. I am happy I asked here.