What do you do at a wedding?

amother

Tue, May 07 2024, 7:54 pm

I can't believe I'm asking this question. But I have recently come to the realization that I have serious wedding anxiety. Interesting thing is that I'm a very sociable person and am not shy. But I just don't know what to do at a wedding. So here are a few specific questions:
1. What if you don't know any guests at the wedding? Who do you sit with? I awkwardly scan the wedding hall, and try to find acquaintances, but sometimes I can't find any, or the table is already full...
2. I don't know how to dance, but seem to be a minority. I don't like dancing with the kallah etc. in the middle, because I get self-conscious. Does everyone know how to dance? What does everyone even say when they're dancing in the middle? Also, I can't hear what the kallah/mother are saying because the music is usually too loud.
3. I bring a kid/baby along (when appropriate) because that way I could distract myself or pretend I'm busy with them. I also escape to the restroom all the time or go out to use my phone. What's there to do if you're not shmoozing? You just sit around?

I'm wondering if I'm alone in this struggle, or if anyone can relate. I don't find other simchos as difficult because they're more come-and-go and not as long.

Thank you for listening!

amother

Lavender

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:55 pm

I’m similar, except that I don’t enjoy being social at all and have bad anxiety about socializing in general

I usually only go to relatives weddings where I know a ton of people and have siblings as “buffers”, or occasionally a friends if I know I have someone who’ll be at my side all night. Anything else I stop by to say Mazel tov for 2 minutes, if it’s local

Up until a couple years ago DH was having lots of friends weddings that he wanted me to attend with him. I tried the first time, it was a nightmare especially because they forgot to give me a place card and I had to choose a random seat, which I was then kicked out of by a distant relative who yelled at me for sitting there. I sat at a different table on the other end which turned out to be the brides immediate family, though they let me stay there but I felt so awkward!

After that whole ordeal I came up with a compromise- before the wedding I download movies on an iPad and pick up takeout and pack a cozy blanket in the car, then go with DH to the shmorg where it’s mixed and he can be next to me. Then I duck out at the chuppah to hang out in the car for a couple hours until he’s ready to go home. Actually worked really well for us, he got what he wanted and I actually appreciated having some down time on my own to just relax

amother

Chicory

Tue, May 07 2024, 8:57 pm

Unless you absolutely have to (close relative or work colleague), just don't go, or go to say Mazal tov and leave. I find that when one is invited to a wedding that they don't know anyone else, it is usually as a plus one or through work. If you are not close enough to the baal Simcha to have any friends in common, chances are that you really won't be missed. Obviously there are times when you will have to go, but often if you really think about it, you don't.

Regarding dancing, once again I find that the closer you are to the kallah and/or her mom, the easier it is to loosen up and dance because you really are a part of the Simcha. At most of the weddings I go to, most women do a couple of rounds on the dance floor and then just mainly stand around leaving the friends if the kallah to dance the night away.

These are some more of the reasons that weddings should be small and intimate. Unless you are close to the baalei Simcha, they really are not all that enjoyable.

essie14

Tue, May 07 2024, 10:02 pm

If you're invited to a wedding where you really don't know anyone else, how close are you to the families?
If you're not close, you don't have to go, or you go for 5 min to say Mazal Tov.
If it's a friend, neighbor, or relative, you should know plenty of other people.
I can only think of one wedding in my whole life that I went to where I didn't know anyone. It was my brother's very close friend, he didn't live in our city, but because of yeshiva he spent a lot of time in our home and became like family.
I never met his mom or sisters.
No one else from my family was able to go except my brother and me. It was completely separate and I had met the kallah once but none of her family or friends.
I managed to find some people to sit with.
Otherwise, I wouldn’t go to a wedding where I don't know anyone. This was a super specific occurrence.

salt

Tue, May 07 2024, 11:37 pm

I don't dance in the middle of the circle if I'm not really close with the kalla or family.
Just in the outside circle, or just enjoy standing by, watching, smiling and clapping.

I was once invited to a wedding where everyone got their table number by whatsapp ahead of time. I don't have whatsapp, so I didn't know what table I was meant to be on.
I knew I was definitely invited, and I had rsvp-d. I didn't know many people at the wedding - it was the wedding of an olah chadasha that we used to help, she would come to us for shabbbos, so I just knew her, her immediate family and 1 friend of hers.

I asked a family member at the wedding where I should sit and they told me who had the seating plan. I tried to catch him, but he was too busy to pin down.
I ended up sitting on a table with a couple of empty seats, with people I didn't know, and really enjoyed chatting to them. I knew that if someone turned up at the table and didn't have space to sit down, then I'd have to get up. I don't even remember if that happened or not. I didn't stay at the wedding so late.
I'm not usually so good at making conversation with new people that I don't know, but I surprised myself by really enjoying it.

amother

Canary

Wed, May 08 2024, 12:19 am

Op, I have the same issues. I dread going to weddings. The problem is that I married into an extremely large family and there are weddings very often. When it’s a family wedding I obviously know the people at my table and for me, dancing is a nightmare. A literal nightmare. For many reasons.
As soon as I see an invitation in the mail I tense up. I am so relieved when the wedding is over. I’m fine with Sheva brochos and any other simcha usually but weddings are so hard for me because of the dancing- which takes up a huge chunk of the time.
I don’t know anyone else like this. I’m a little older and this is the first time I ever heard about someone who also has wedding anxiety. I thought I was the only person in the world who has this.
Obviously the solution would be to not go to weddings but that doesn’t work out when you’re part of a large family.

salt

Wed, May 08 2024, 1:01 am

amother Canary wrote:

At every wedding I go to there are people at the tables who are not dancing.
No one thinks twice about it. You dance if you want to.

amother

Pear

Wed, May 08 2024, 1:16 am

I reply that I will come to either the chuppa (my preference, since I don't need to socialize at all) or the dancing for a few minutes and not to set a place for me. Works much better for me and really, there is no need for them to pay for a meal for me, seems so silly. Also, a pet peeve of mine is the loud music. Last few weddings I attended even during the meal I couldn't hold a conversation because the music was so loud. Forget about during the dancing when I thought I would go deaf. (Yes, I bring along earplugs!)

Overall, I agree with the previous poster that weddings should be much smaller and really only invite closest family and friends to the entire wedding and everyone else can either come to the chuppa or to dancing at the end. I hope that when my kids get married, my mechutanim will agree.

Lemonade 2323

Wed, May 08 2024, 1:38 am

salt wrote:

I'm English and I find that while the seating plan is a NIGHTMARE to do, esp as it's by nature very last minute, it saves a lot of awkwardness.

We usually try to seat people in groups of those who know each other, like co-workers, friends of the kallah, relatives, at the same table so most people sit with those they know.

Of course it's not possible to get it 100% right, but you don't get 2 people here, 3 people there, and pockets of empty seats, and people walking around looking for someone they know.

It also shows respect for the older relatives and friends, who have 'a place with their name on'. I was once at a chasuna abroad where the norm isn't to have a seating plan,grandmother was seatless, and it was awkward to see people srambling to move up to make space for her like she was an afterthought.

Although, that being said, chasunas here are smaller and more intimate so those invited to the dinner tend to be family and close friends. It also makes it easier that chasunas are usually smaller, I had 300 guests at my DCs weddings, and having double digit siblings and their kids is not very South of 100 people ka'H, and that's just one side. 'Bungalow type friends', co-workers, neighbours (unless literally next door) etc either come to the chuppa or pop in after bensching.

The hall manager has a list of table numbers in-case someone can't find her place card or the like.

Lemonade 2323

Wed, May 08 2024, 1:43 am

amother Pear wrote:

Hi amotherPear. You have a son in Shidduchim? Lots of lovely girls in England, how about a British Dil, along with a small intimate chasuna!

amother

Canary

Wed, May 08 2024, 3:59 am

salt wrote:

At every wedding I go to there are people at the tables who are not dancing.
No one thinks twice about it. You dance if you want to.

Not this family. They are very into dancing. There is no one left at the tables aside for a few elderly people. Literally empty tables. There are some people who stand on the side and watch the dancing until the well meaning dancers think they are doing the biggest chessed and try to pull them into the circle.
I have been to weddings where I’ve seen people remain at the table during dancing. Not family weddings. Most of the weddings I attend are family though. If it’s a friend or neighbor I’ll usually just walk in during kabolas panim to wish Mazel Tov and then leave. These days it’s rare for me to stay at a wedding for long if I don’t have to since I have issues with weddings.

amother

Snowdrop

Wed, May 08 2024, 8:07 am

You don't need to know how to dance. Most people just kind of hop and shuffle. You can even just stand around the periphery of the dance floor swaying and clapping. Or just clapping. Nobody is looking at your feet and the dance floor is so crowded nobody can see what you're doing in any event. Plus--and you need to memorize this--nobody cares. You aren't auditioning for the NYC Ballet or even the GO Dance Club. Those who want to show off their fancy footwork, seductive hip swivels and elegant arm movements (usually the kallah's single friends) are welcome to do so, but you don't have to.

In my circles, the host assigns seating, so there's never a question of milling around looking for an empty seat unless someone sat at the wrong table. Even so, you may well be assigned to
a table with people you don't know. That's hard. Force yourself , against your nature, to introduce yourself to the people around you. "I'm Elana Vorspeiz, my husband went to school with the chosson. You are....? And what's your connection to the baalei hasimcha?" If they all say "We were in seminary with the kallah," you can respond cheerfully "so am I the only one at this table who doesn't know the kallah from Eve? Weird!"

There is wedding small talk. Complimenting others is a nice start. Tell the woman next to you that you love the color of her dress, or admire her hat or her manicure or jewelry, or marvel at how well her evening bag matches her outfit, or at how energetically she dances. From that you can enlarge upon the topic: "did you take dance classes or do you come by it naturally?"

Now, not all people are going to respond with great warmth and pull you in to their conversation. They may say coldly "Nice to meet you" and then turn away. Such is life. No reflection on you, even if it makes you feel stupid first and then like crying.

I admit to being grateful for cell phones, as I have indeed walked out of the ballroom to call a friend to shmooze when either the noise level was too high (who can converse anyway when the band has the amp set to "Ear-shatter"?) or it was otherwise impossible to have even a meaningless convo with the people at my table.

Or you can pretend to be a tzadekes and sit at the table with a sefer Tehillim, though it would give off holier-than-thou vibes as well as discourage most people from talking to you. Still, it would be something to do. Who knows, maybe someone would be so curious they'd stop to ask you what you're doing and why.

And this is why I like mixed seating at weddings. With dh sitting next to me, I'm not alone, even if he is spending the whole time talking to the man on his other side and not to me.